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Haven't posted for a long time.. Other priorities, or perhaps less brain to dedicate to getting my thoughts out in a semi-readable fashion.

Josh and I are having a rough time. He's doing all kinds of things that he knows I hate, and trying to hurt Ella. He needs more of me than I actually have, right now, and it's hard on both of us. I find myself yelling at him. My new strategy is to tell him that I'm too mad, and have to go away so I don't say mean things to him. Kind of like a reverse time out, but it's more for me than for him. We're having power struggles over getting dressed, brushing teeth, not throwing things. The usual, but more so. The frustrating thing is that I know the sorts of things I need to do to help us both over this period, but I don't have the energy or patience to do it.

Last night was my second night of sleep in a month where Josh didn't wake up horrendously early and cry and beg to nurse (But I just want nei-nei! I just really, reeeeeeeally want nei-nei! Please, please mama?!). I decided to give up the 8 months of slow night-weaning a couple of days ago, and after two nights of nursing whenever (and me getting even less sleep, due to having to carefully roll over in my kid-sandwich each time one wanted to nurse so as to not wake the other one) Josh has started to sleep through again, waking briefly to come snuggle in with us if he starts the night in his own bed. I'd still do nothing differently - if I'd weaned him earlier, or made him stay in his own bed, I'd still be dealing with these needs in other, less obvious ways. Cosleeping still gives us the most sleep overall, I think, and Josh still nursing gives me another tool in my mama-kit that I'd find hard to duplicate with anything else. So, if I stopped doing either of those things I'd still be having trouble, just in other ways that may be harder to deal with.

Ella is lovely :) She smiles and giggles, when I slow down enough to give her some attention beyond the basic physical kind. I've found some back-carries that she likes, so she can sleep there for part of the day and Josh and I can be out and about. She loves Josh, and gives him tremendous smiles whenever she sees him... perhaps in self-preservation, as he's more inclined to throw things at her, pull her arms and legs, and (when she's on the floor) attempt to squish her with his torso while muttering strange endearments(?) (you little muttermuttermutter). For the past week or so, I haven't been able to leave them in the same room together.

Back to Ella. She coos, and tells little stories. She enjoys raspberries on her belly, and tickles on her neck and cheeks. We sometimes do ok with ec, and sometimes I miss everything, but whatever - I'm much more mellow about it now, and I'm not working towards anything so ludicrous as a potty-trained 8 month old (who would want one? They pee a LOT, and diapers are so much easier when we're out of the house!). I remember that Josh did most of his pooping in a potty by the time he was 4 months old, and it looks like Ella's headed there too, but I'm not to attached to any particular outcome, except a baby that's in dry diapers most of the time.

Guess there's not much to talk about re: Ella.. she's a baby, and does baby stuff. I took them both to a kids playgroup yesterday, and Ella was admired and Josh got to run around and play. Fun!

I'm going to a kids psych workshop on Friday - hoping this helps me get back on track with Josh. I need some inspiration, and generally workshops (or just hanging out with parents that try to be non-coercive) helps. More of that this week, hopefully, and Josh and I will like each other a little more.

Date: 2010-10-19 04:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] spiceandsugar.livejournal.com
having no kids i am not offering any advice on this, but I will say that if any parents can work out the needs of both their kids and how to satisfy them its you

Date: 2010-10-19 05:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fruitkakechevy.livejournal.com
*grins* That's the best all-purpose parenting advice out there. Thanks!

Date: 2010-10-20 12:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gwynnebear.livejournal.com
I feel like that with my students sometimes, especially if I'm not feeling well. I can only imagine what it's like when you're a sleep deprived parent of 2!

I know I should be following through and setting them up for success and helping them practice in a positive way so they get it right (more behavioural than academic), and yet that takes so much time and I'm so worn out and I really want to drop them off at recess so I can relax for a few minutes...

But I suspect that the fact that you are aware of the challenges, and see them as areas for growth and learning (for both you and Josh) simply means that you are a SUPER mom who is on top of things and working hard to find solutions that work for your family. No one is perfect, and people who pretend to be tend to be miserable in private.

Every time my mom talks about you she mentions how loved your little ones are and how lucky they are to have you and how dedicated you are to being an awesome parent. It makes me think that it's never easy, but if anyone can figure it out, you can!

Why do LJ comments sound preachy? Anyway, thanks for updating. We never talk or see each other any more so it's fun to catch up in these little posts.

Date: 2010-10-22 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fruitkakechevy.livejournal.com
It's so hard when we know what to do, but can't muster the energy to do it!

I don't think I'm so super.. just doing the best I can, like anyone else (but thanks!). It's a bit trickier when I'm doing things that are not going along with majority opinion. Whenever I write about it, I hope that people know that I'm doing what I think is best for my family, but what is best for their own families might be completely different.

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